Upcycling Hate

I hate that I have to write this story.

That I live in a world where the events of this story are a reality. That this is the reality for people all across the planet and will forever be a part of mine. While the events I will disclose are now a symbol of embracing adversity, of creating beauty out of the ugliest moments in our lives, it is not something that everyone should have to do when similar situations occur. Hell, I don’t even know how to start this to tell this tale, but it is an event in a story as old as time-antisemitism.

On the fifth of Nisan 5783, 4 days after the 7th yahrzeit (death anniversary) of my mom, I woke up and my first thought was “I cannot even get out of bed today, never mind leaving my room.”

After arguing with myself and reciting Modeh Ani (the first prayer a Jewish person says when rising) at least a hundred times and begrudgingly washing (ritually handwashing near one’s bedside) to remove the tumah (negative spirits/ state of negative spirits) from my being, I finally got up to start my day. Ready to tackle the day bright and early at 12:30pm, with my toiletries and towel in one hand and the other purposefully empty. I opened my door about to tackle the next battle in a day that depression declared to be a war: taking a shower.

Before I could even descend down my walk of shame, I continued to do what every Jewish person does at a doorpost, a routine that is practically muscle memory by now. Attempting to leave my room, I extended my left index and middle fingers to touch my mezuzah (a parchment scroll with two portions of Deuteronomy including the infamous prayer the Shema) ready to kiss these fingers, to see almost nothing on my doorpost, only a frayed incomplete command strip sorely staring down at me and I up at it.

Groggy from what was an early rising on a defeated day, there was no way my mind could possibly fathom what had happened. I am Jewish, ideally every door I cross should have a mezuzah, and my own door was blasphemously bereft of this religious object.

Who? What? Where? When? WHY?? would my mezuzah be gone?

Who on earth would go out of their way to rip off a very secure sacred Jewish symbol? Where was it now, was the parchment scroll with one of the names of G-D written properly buried? When could it have possibly been removed? I swear I saw it the night before. Lastly, WHY would somebody go out of their way to remove it? No thought, idea or declaration was decipherable. It wasn’t my university taking down an inappropriate decoration; 1 it didn’t break any rules and 2 the residence life staff in charge of my dorm is Jewish, if there was any objection to it, he would defend its honor.

Somebody went out of their way to defile a sacred Jewish text, desecrate the doorpost of my room and demonstrate that I do not deserve to take up that space as a proud Jewish college student. That I do not deserve to live my life as G-D commanded or that my ancestors would be proud of. But, I deserve the right to exist without hiding who I worship, to proudly take up space in this world as a Jew. Jesus and Mohammed are not my wise men but that does not make me worth less than those who practice other religions.

I forgot to mention that this week, at many college campuses across the country, it is Israel Apartheid Week. During this week, students of all backgrounds and education on the matter go out of their way to boycott Israel, discuss a variety of topics related to the conflict and most relevantly perform acts of antisemitism in the name of defending Palestinians, defying Israel and everything in between. If defending the rights and respect of Palestinians was the motive of this hate crime, because it is one BFFR, then they picked the wrong Jew.

*****

I am not the “apartheid” (because it only existed in South Africa), I am not Netanyahu, I am not the extremists that burnt down Hawara or Nablus. I am an American who doesn’t pay her taxes, my actions have no direct impact on the events that have transpired over the past century, and if you heard my genuine opinions about the Jewish presence in the Middle East and our relationships with Arabs, it would not be my mezuzah they would rip down.

They picked a Jew who has been called an Arab Lover for believing that Israelis should learn Arabic, who was called a sand n****r for being the tannest Jew in the room and for believing that Jews and Muslims have many similarities in regards to our lifestyles and beliefs. They picked a Jew whose beliefs that love, humanity, compassion and coexistence trump politics, not a “settler”, or “occupier.”

And as a Jew, I did not kill Jesus, nor do I run the banks or Hollywood, and I am not a colonist trying to ethnically cleanse all who call Israel home; no Jew is. I am a human being who wants to hear everyone’s story, to help others in any way I can, to create works of art that bring beauty into this world.

In my recent trip to Israel, I created a political art piece about peace in Israel,

and am known for discussing my dream of improving the way of life for Israelis and Arabs. I want to protect the children of the fertile crescent from the pains of frequent death and the hate that others spread. For fervently believing so strongly in mission, here I am doing it.

The person who ripped down my mezuzah is not a monster with the sole purpose of inciting hate against Jews. They are not a terrorist nor are they a nazi, they are a human being who has experienced the feelings that I am feeling today that unite us all: pain, sadness, disbelief, and most importantly love. While I have the right to feel angry at them for their disrespectful actions, I have to remember that they deserve my respect as one human to another. The second I take this from them, I become all of the types of people I am terrified of: angry, hateful, ignorant, egoistical. I become the id of the person who ripped off my mezuzah, and I can’t let myself stoop to that level. HaShem (one of the names used for G-D in Judaism) did not create me with all of these lived experiences, to turn around, not absorb the wisdom he has shared and become what has hurt me.

On this note, one of the most important pieces of wisdom that has been bestowed upon me is that hate can turn into love, beauty can be found even in the ugliest moments, everything has the potential to change for the better and lastly, that the second I was born, HaShem decided that this world could not exist without me in it. I am here, the world needs me and I need to answer its call. Which is why out of the tattered remains left of where my mezuzah once hung, I have turned it into a piece of art. A symbol of the resilience of the Jewish people, of the over pouring love in this world that will always be stronger of hate, of the beautiful reminders I have learned from this experience. I cannot change what has happened, but I am in control of my reaction and chose the right one. While I wish this did not happen, the experience has forced me to reflect on who I am, what I stand for and what people I choose to stand with.

This says "Am Yisrael Chai" in Hebrew script or "The people of Israel live." My handwriting is bad, but it's the thought that counts.

EPILOGUE

This story was originally written in March of 2023, and while only a few months have passed, too much has happened. The world I live in is at war, everyday somebody I know or one of my friends know has died at the hands of Hamas. Every post I see is related to the hostages in Gaza or the graphic images that the IDF was forced to release because 80 years later people still don't believe that genocide of the Jewish people is real. And with every day that I look at the overload of information in my magic box, I am reminded of the miracle that it is to be Jewish-to survive through this war and so much more.

Looking back and reading this story, I feel really bratty, dramatic and privileged. How can I feel so attacked from vandalism when my friends and family are hiding in bomb shelters from real attacks by real monsters who are regularly committing monstrosities to my brethren. My mezuzah is the diamond earring that Kim Kardashian lost while people are actually dying-thanks for the reality check Kourtney. Okay maybe now isn't the time for vine references, but what else can I do sitting in my bed in my Boston dorm room?

Just as this story tries to teach, hate cannot be combated with more hate. While students at my school make it very clear on social media, loudly in conversation, or marching like the Hitler youth cheering for terrorists, that they do hate Jewish people, it will accomplish nothing for me to hate them for their ignorance. I wish I could erase the anger, apathy and "activism" from their hearts and replace with empathy, education, and embrace, but I am only one person who failed handwriting class for seven years. There isn't much I can actually contribute, except one thing. The root of this story and epilogue-being Jewish.

The one thing, outside of my "quirky" personality, that people hate about me is my Judaism; my faith, ethnicity and lifestyle. The reason for all of this conflict is the solution, at a micro level of course. The people of Israel live and will keep living. By saying Shema at 8pm Israeli time with the IDF, or studying a little bit of Torah and Hebrew everyday ( # please sponsor me Duolingo, ShalomSpace and חיינו). I can do a small part to keep our tradition and values alive. I can be a part of the light that pokes a hole into the darkness. I can be Jewish in a time where the hate in this world does not want us to be. I hope that every Jewish person reading this joins me in spreading the metaphorical schmear-Jewish Love. And everyone who is not Jewish to learn a little more about our loving culture, to remove your politics and show some schmear for the Jewish people in your life and pray. Pray for the Israelis, the Jewish people, the victims of the Nova Massacre, the Palestinians and people across the world who have been impacted by the terror that has ensued.

עושה שלום במרומיו May He who makes peace in his high places

הוא יעשה שלום עלינו Make He make peace upon us

ועל כל עם ישראל -And on all of Israel

ואמרו, אמרו אמן. And say Amen

יעשה שלום, יעשה שלום

שלום עלינו ועל כל ישראל

יעשה שלום, יעשה שלום

שלום עלינו ועל כל ישראל.